Gamut of Reviews: Summer of Characters, '22
If you don't remember this series, you haven't missed anything. Here's a couple characters I obsess over these days.
The last time this quarterly review dropped, its edition was named Real Heatwave Shit. Well, last year’s heatwave had nothing on this year’s heatwave, with temperatures around 36 degrees Celsius (that’s about 100F for some of you) and barely a cold wave. Summer is naturally a season in which the days stretch out endlessly, inviting to continous journeys and cold beverages and little food, but with temperatures this hot, both outside and the inside are hell. Unless you sit in a building with the AC on, and then it gets cold, and you step outside and the heat slaps you like a hairdryer’s merciless wind…
For this edition, I want to talk about the things I like exclusively through my favorite characters of the show/manga/book I’ve been enjoying the past couple months. It’ll paint a very consistent picture, but by God, it’s been a while since I’ve obsessed over characters like this. Normally I’m the type of person to obsess over the story until I’m done, and then I move onto the next thing. Not so much now! Is this because I’ve been researching and listening to so much Nine Inch Nails at the side? Possibly. Is this more revelatory of my personality than necessary? Yes. Is this my very public diary? Also yes!
Oh, also, the title has been shortened: The Gamut of Reviews That Elif Runs is cute, but such a waste to type. I like it lean!
Monkey D. Luffy, One Piece
aka: Strawhat Luffy, The Motherfucking Pirate King, My Baby
Up until a week ago, there would have been Sanji on this thing, complete with a long semi-apology — you know the type, the liberals that are somehow sorry about everything but also not really and never about the right things — but then, as Pro7 MAXX trudges on with the Wholecake Island Arc, Luffy is there to rescue Sanji, and he screams: I will never eat anyone else’s food as long as it’s not yours, and I just think Luffy is perfect. Who needs a character arc when you already have the most pragmatic thing to say at every turn? Who needs development when you’re already well developed on what matters most: loyalty to friends and being kind to others? No one. Like many protagonists of serials, Luffy is both archetype and full-fledged character whenever the story requires it. He’s what Goku of DBZ non-fame thought he was. He’s engaging, predictable, surprising, charming, steady, shocking, both attractive and not, unwittingly bisexual and asexual at the same time… and especially in early arcs, it was his boundless creativity that got him to defeat the ridiculous villain of the island in question. Watching him brings pure joy — or at the very least, highly entertaining at all times. He is everything you would want from a protagonist. The rest boils down to personal flavor, and flavor-wise, it’s Zoro all the way, mind.
Odysseus, Odyssey & Iliad
<no picture, but imagine Oscar Isaac or somebody equally hot>
aka: King of Ithaca, Key Figure In The War of Troy, Husband of Penelope, Father of Telemachus, Foil to Achilles, Athena’s Favorite, Side-Thing to Calypso and Circe, Super Irresponsible But Homer and I Both Think This Is Quite Hot, Hottest Man in the World, No Really He Is A DILF, etc
Homer’s Greek poems open with the word that describes the whole of the poem. For The Iliad, it was rage, specifically of the warfare kind. For Odyssey, the quasi-sequel of The Iliad, it’s andras — man. This is very fitting, as Odysseus is a capital M man. We’re talking about the man who came up with the Trojan Horse. We talk about the man who tried to dodge a draft by acting like he was insane (quite literally, king shit). So what if it took him ten years to arrive back to Ithaca. A hot girl has a weak moment once or twice! You try resisting a goddess! And you try resisting Odysseus, even though you’re a goddess! He has a quip ready at all times, he’s clever, never loses his cool, and he’s a skilled warrior, so you know he’s shredded. And who cares if he is old. He has a son? Telemachus is a non-event. Silver foxes are hot! If he was a real life person, the Twitter discourse would be hot. Know that no amount of barking dog gifs will not be enough for the kind of sexy this character is from the pages alone. I don’t need to know how he looks — he is hot. I stand by it!
And before you think I forgot Penelope — she is very sexy too. Weaving, lying, scheming — hallmarks of a hot girl, as we learned from TikTok! Odysseus and her are quite the match. You know, those suitors are unserious to the last, but if she ever wants a side thing… who is a woman… a real one… I’m a pyre away. Or a couple. Doves work too!
Ellen Parsons, Damages
aka: Gaslight Gatekeep Girlboss me too queen
Damages follows Ellen Parsons (Rose Bryne) as she joins Baddie— I mean Patty Hewes’ (Glenn Close) law firm. As early as the first season, though, the wide-eyed look of Ellen turns to something cold and defensive. Match that with dark makeup and she’s totally got Patty beat. A woman that is always smiley no matter what life hurls at her is, well, what men think you should be doing. An angry, difficult woman acting on her trauma, though — that’s a force to be reckoned with. Over the course of season 2, Ellen becomes a true manipulator and 5d chess player, all while we are treated to scenes in the future where she is not only with dark eyeliner, but also a frown on her face, and a gun. I cannot tell you how good that is. Patty may tell Ellen in S2E4 that she’s building every case off anger, and I believe her. But Ellen looks the part. I need her to defend me for the next crime I am about to commit… it involves shooting several of her male lovers over the seasons…
Robert Spearing, Industry (HBO)
aka: My Pathetic Meow Meow
Industry follows university graduates as they enter Pierpoint, a fast-paced, high-strung nightmare of a trading floor. Of these graduates, Robert Spearing (Harry Lawtey) says he majored in geography because, in his words, it’s a marginal game about marginal gains. He might as well have been describing his entire plan for the rest of the show: with a working-class background and the firm belief that he fundamentally doesn’t deserve more than what he’s got, Robert’s marginal game is to snort coke, have sex with people that abuse him one way or another, with the marginal gain of… let’s see… staying in the game? Sounds about right. Robert has no idea what he wants and how to get it, besides a vague “let’s just stay afloat, eh?” Lawtey’s performance is spellbinding here, his wide eyes simultaneously signaling disappointment and the act of bracing himself one moment, pure patheticness the next. The smile is constantly on the verge of slipping: you as the viewer know he’s going to get himself to the next humilating moment, which tally up like a Jenga tower. Like most other characters, I need a therapist on him. Not me. If we can’t bring a therapist, he needs a chastity belt and a 12 step recovery program. He’s very pathetic, but throughout Industry, it really feels like a labrador getting kicked about. Just so cute.
Yasmin Kara-Hanani, Industry (HBO)
aka: I Can Fix Her
When Yasmin (Marisa Abela) has sex, she is the top, the one in control. Things are different for her at work in the first season of Industry — the sole woman of a male-dominated department, who knows this one? But she’s charming and sociable, not to mention a polyglot; her sociability is what blocks her path to more. Yasmin agrees to things anyone else would balk at (at work, mind), but still tries to wriggle her way to whatever she wants in the end with a smile and charm. I said earlier that a woman scorned is totally up my style, but this sly way of handling things has teeth. Yasmin loves power and influence, and she will get it — the first two episodes of S2 prove as much. When she says in S1 I’m a motherfucking magician, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy as much as it is a nod to the Major Arcana that she fits to a T. Yasmin is a character I admire from a purely writing standpoint. I wish I could pull a character like her off with this much grace. But also, she is stunning; why lie? It’s very much need to be her/want to be with her situation… I think she needs to be even more bitchy than she is now. Who needs kindness? You can wipe people’s tears with a wad of cash!
Oikawa Tooru, Haikyuu!!
aka: Walking Red Flag, Grand King of the Court, Seijoh Captain, Man of Groupies, Not A Genius
Everything I like in a male character, well, almost everything, Oikawa got. Pretty as hell? Check. Annoyingly smiley all the time? Check. A billion snide remarks that piss everyone off? Check. Actually hides his real self under three different layers? Check! Actually, actually being a loser who hates losing? Having drive that could well devour him*?* Check check check! What else could you want from him? When he’s on the manga (I’m around 60 chapters or 7 volumes in?) I cheer like one of his groupie fangirls. He’s so cool. So capable. He brings so much life into the manga and is such a great foil thus far into the series. I can only imagine it will get better because he keeps being listed as an anime villain. You know what, I say we let that happen. I love flamboyant not-a-villain-just-annoying anti-hero types. The only thing this would be better is if he was bisexual, but this is Weekly Shonen Jump, and it’s fine. Oikawa — is fine. Very hot.
(Kuroo is a second — he’s got the Gengar combination of small eyes, spiky silhouette, and a big grin, which I love as a visual; and lastly, Hinata and Kageyama are both my sons.)
Music? Right. Arctic Monkeys is pretty good. Have you heard Red Light Indicates Doors Are Closed? Very obscure title, don’t miss it.